What I Thought I Knew

I really thought I had a handle on autism 3 years ago.  TJ was doing well in school and his social skills were progressing.  Everything seemed so manageable, that we decided, “Hey, let’s throw another kid into the mix!”  And we did.  We had TL.

Don’t get me wrong, I love TL and never regret the decision to have him.  But, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that things got so much more complicated from the moment he was born.  TJ reacted so badly to TL’s newborn cries.  It was such a sensory overload for him.  Then TJ had to learn how to play with a younger sibling.  Months of frustration ensued!  Finally, as things started to settle down for TJ, TL exhibited concerning behaviors.  We didn’t quite put the pieces together at that point, but looking back I can see the red flags. 

So how are things now?  Well, I am struggling with the day-to-day of TL’s ABA therapy and the long road that goes with it.  And then there is that fact that TJ has had trouble at school twice in the last month or so, which is completely out of the ordinary.  Because most of his trouble is due to communication and social issues, the fallout involves hours of talks with the teacher, my husband, and TJ.

Really, I don’t have a handle on this.  I don’t think I ever did or that I ever will.  How can you?  Autism is really the gift that keeps on giving.  There are always new challenges, like TJ struggling to understand what “appropriate” language is.  Then I remind myself that there are also new joys.  Like when TL spontaneously had pretend play the other night!  Truly, a big milestone that warranted lots of praise.

But, honestly, I often find myself crumbled on the floor—back to where I started 8 years ago.  I thought I had gotten past that.  I thought I had been broken from autism and that God lifted me up.  Why am I here again?  Why do I have to watch this pain flow through my family again?  Why…just…why?

I don’t know why and probably will never know why.  What I thought I knew went out the window a while back.  So, I do the only thing that makes sense—I turn to God.  While I’m on that floor, I crawl to Him and I just hold on tight to Him.  I know that His plans for us are so much more than what I could ever imagine.   I just got to learn to leave the “knowing” to Him.