Slow to Anger

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you." (James 1:19-21)

Yeah....slow to anger....kinda missed the mark on that one today. 

It has been a day, a week, a month, and a lifetime! Between job issues and a raging heat, I have felt stressed and stretched to my limit. What made it worse was knowing that we would be changing Samantha's site tonight.

It has been a whopping 8 weeks since her last site change. I am thrilled it lasted that long, but it is the max we can keep one in and not increase the chance of infection. So, tonight was a planned site change. And, like most things that we plan...

Samantha is getting older and these site changes are getting harder. She is stronger (a good thing, yes, but not when you need to stick a needle in her arm) and she is more aware. 

After it was done, I looked at her and told her I loved her. She looked at me and said, "No!" We hugged. We cried. Through snot-filled tears, I told her I loved her over and over again. She collapsed into my arms, whimpering. Just before she started to fall asleep, I heard her sobbing voice, "I...love...you."

We rocked and rocked. Eventually, Daddy had a turn at it, and my sweet girl succumbed to her slumber.

I was left feeling angry. Angry at PH. And even a little angry at God. I hate this! Hate is not even a strong enough word for what I feel. The purple plastic device below causes so much anger in me and fear in Samantha.

Inside lurks a long needle and a stiff catheter that is pushed into the tissue on the back of her arm. Yeah, back of her arm. That area is sensitive enough. After the catheter is inserted, you are left with this:

It looks harmless enough, but underneath she is in pain. Why am I showing these pictures? Because I am angry. Because I need to put pictures to the words. Because....

Because I need to remember that, "human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." Oh. Yeah.

Morning will come, and my sweet baby girl will be running down the hallway with some toy she stole from her brother. She will hug me good morning. She will grab her arm throughout the day in pain, but she will trudge on. And my anger will fade. It will be replaced with joy and love.